Muerte
by themysteryofjade
Summary: I landed right in front of the same headstones that I'd been trying to escape from. The same bodies, people, nightmares, pain that I'd been fleeing.


My world finally shifted from a dull gray to a spectrum of colors. Somehow today life had meaning maybe not much but at least a bit. I saw the world in a way that no one else did and that made me weird or misunderstood I guess. I didn't mind much I liked being able to think clearly being able to rationalize and organize my thoughts and everything around me. Though, sometimes a bit of a high was needed in order to survive. Don't mind me I don't use drugs but I needed a high so I just put on some music and cranked up the volume. I lost myself in the background music in the lyrics and danced and moved and then I felt that high that feeling that I craved. That thing that meant that I was alive. I felt that sentiment that almost made me cry with relief yet frustration. It felt almost like an orgasm so sweet yet bitter at the same time.

I moved in tune and sync and gave myself- surrendered to the music. Then as suddenly as it had come it vanished and I sunk to the floor breathing heavily in some sort of haze and fog bliss.

When I woke up the sun blinded me and I covered my eyes. I huffed and stood up groaning and shut the blinds.

I looked outside and saw a patch of black and white blur and take flight. I just stood there still waking up and made nothing of it.

Today was _the day. _ I sighed I didn't want to go out today in fear that the few people that recognized me and knew what today meant would make them approach me.

I dressed in black worn skinny jeans, a dark purple long sleeved shirt and placed a colorful scarf on my neck and I let my dark black hair fall in waves. I huffed and looked in the closet for my silver ballet flats then I turned swiftly to the mirror and caught the a few tints of blue in my grey eyes dull eyes. Usually my eyes shifted color everyday –sigh- if only I could just have on eye color. In a way I did mostly they were grey but still. My pale face made everything about me stand out.

I went to my window and saw that today was inexplicitly sunny and it made the leaves in the trees look a shade of jade one of my favorite colors.

I felt like shit this day but I made a promise that I'd try- try to make it through life and this day that symbolized death, pain, and grief.

It was so… I don't know uneventful yet not.

I felt a sob leave my throat and put a hand over my mouth trying to shut my mouth and stop my trembling.

_Stop it! _ I thought over and over I chanted in my head.

I slapped myself hard on the face and breathed in deeply.

_Okay im okay. _I grabbed my brown bad and slung it over my shoulder and walked out quickly before the tears started.

I heard a car pull up and park and I pretended not to listen and I opened the door to my SVU truck. I placed my bag and was about to get in when I felt someone knock into me so hard and then they held me with strong firm arms.

"What the fuck?" I screamed to the person and when dark brown piercing eyes filled my vision.

I stopped breathing and held on to him for dear life, "Jake?" I choked out

"Ssshhh…" He said, "It's okay."

I couldn't breathe I couldn't do this I couldn't cry I wanted to run but he wouldn't let me go. Tears ran down my face and I couldn't break down not in front of Jake.

"P-please… j-just let m-me go." I pleaded.

He nodded his head, "I love you." He said and with that he let me go and I fled to the forest. All i saw was a blur of green and brown and orange as I ran. I ran and ran until I felt like my legs were giving out until I could hear my heartbeat thud in my ears until my throat felt raw that I didn't realize I was screaming until my legs gave out and I saw that I landed right in front of the same headstones that I'd been trying to escape from. The same bodies, people, nightmares, pain that I'd been fleeing. I screamed a loud piercing scream that hurt my own ears and I stayed there frozen with grief that has been haunting me for the past four years. I looked all around me and I saw everything flash before my eyes and I felt myself break even more in to fragments and bits particles that were unrepairable.

I closed my eyes and let all this pain take a hold of me take over and hold me in its sweet arms.

I knew I had to leave I knew I had to move on I knew that it was all over I knew I couldn't change the past but what could I do? Really, what could I do but wish and hope and grieve?

"Josh… Mark…Anne…Claudia….Stephanie…..Esmy….Clara…..Jazmine….Adrian….Michael…. the list went on and on and on that I thought I'd never finish…

Then I heard a voice that I never thought I'd hear again a voice that had long ago seized to exist a voice that I longed for a voice that couldn't even-

"Rain?..."

My breath caught in my throat and I held onto reality because I knew that this couldn't be real. Could it?

"Rain?..." The voice said again.

Everything started spinning and moving faster and faster until I felt like I couldn't take it anymore I couldn't take this grief this burden I preferred to die to the point of no return and before my world came tumbling down and go black I heard myself whisper, "no…"

**Hope u like it. I have no idea where im going with his story but we'll see. SO REVIEW! ~themysteryofjade**


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